Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Take a Seat Please.

Take a seat please

It was another exciting day for me but not so for my wife. We were shopping. I look after the full shopping bags so I get to talk to people I have never met in my life, they warm to me probably because I remind them of their grandfather.

In shopping centres there are usually strategically placed 3 person seats or seats for two persons and a shopping bag, or Vicky Verky a three person seat for a single person and a very large shopping bag.

Being a creature of habit I usually target the three person seat with two persons and a space in the middle for a shopping bag, where I ask the resting shopper if he/she would care to move their bag. To show them I am offering the hand of friendship and at the same time proving I have not deliberately targeted them and it is not a personal thing and that I am not looking for a full-on bare knuckle fight outside of Woolworths, I then say “we can pretend we are Magpies sitting on a telephone line”

The victim as my wife calls them usually smile weakly with muted acknowledgement, unaccompanied by words. I accept unconditionally I have intruded onto their private space. That dear reader is my invitation to start a conversation. I can usually tell what a person’s interests are.

My victim today was a lady of foreign extraction. She queried my opening gambit about the Magpies on telephone lines. I asked out of politeness if she could understand English. As it happens she could, remarkably well. It was just as well I resort to erring on the side of caution for I was about to congratulate her on her command of my language but thought better of it.

I then asked if she had studied Quantum Physics. To my utter astonishment she said she hadn’t. That gave me a clear run. I then explained to her that everything we see might not be true reality; I said even the fruit shop opposite was not really there. 

I realise for an opener it was a hard ask for her being a personal thing as her husband was still inside the said shop with all their bankcards and stuff with their mobile phone on his person. But I continued. 

I briefly touched on SchrÖdinger’s Cat and the Double slit experiment but soon realised I would have to approach this from a completely different direction.

I explained that at least a dozen Ph.D.’s. and at least 4 M.D’s and a brace of theoretical scientists and an unknown number of astrophysicists, astronomers and a lot of other people who are really clever reckon we are living in a Hologram and seeing they have letters after their name and I don’t I must accept what they say as being is gospel.

She was a lovely lady and asked me pertinent questions such as did I have the time on me and why wasn’t I shopping with my wife. I explained to her I was resting while my wife was shopping.

I am getting a little beyond myself here. When joining a person on a 3 person seat you will find that one is required to sit as far as possible from the other person as the picture above graphically shows. On taking the centre position on a three person seat it is imperative to always keep in mind when looking left or right that your gaze does not meet your fellow shopping traveller. The trick is to lean as far forward as far as possible and pretend to survey the shopping centre, eyes sweeping left to right or vice versa.

The reason for this will become blindingly apparent. If one were NOT to project their body forward then there is a possibility though slight, that one’s gaze might inadvertently or even accidentally meet the gaze of ones fellow shopper and they might get the impression true or otherwise that you are a sexual pervert or a Homothingy who trawls suburban shopping centres searching for cheap sexual thrills.

It was a new day, a new shopping adventure. This man was a stranger, we had never met before. Again I took the centre position on the bench. I observed the opening pleasantries before putting forward the hypothesis that what we are seeing all originated from the big bang billions of years ago and we are star people, we are ‘OF’ the stars but in our case we are disguised as human beings but in truth we are bolts of pure cosmic energy, just consciousness and living in matrix in a projected fake reality controlled from the other side of the universe, actors in a Hologram with a supposed purpose. I talked of the fabric of space and stuff, oh and multiple universes.

I could tell from his body language his demeanour was beginning to change, he was not going to stay long enough to digest this assertion, he clenched his teeth, turned red in the face tightly closed his eyes, like really tightly like one does when going number twos stood up and left. It was at this point my wife emerged from the fruit shop, arms weighed down with two heavy bags of fruit, shoulders hunched over and arms looking two feet longer than normal not unlike tired Albatross wings or is that Albatross’s wings. 

She said “Did your victim flee then?” My wife has a wicked sense of humour.

Saturday, 20 May 2017

A sea of Diversity at Rickmansworth Young Ladies College

Clan Campbell     Clan Macdonald

Rickmansworth Young Ladies College.

The Rich Diversity at Denham Hall

Denham Hall is an old established place of learning built in the Gothic style in the 17th century receiving its Charter from King George the something or other; I hasten to say not the mad one. With a recent name change to Rickmansworth Young ladies College it is a very expensive private boarding college for genteel young Ladies from well-to-do established Christian families whose allegiance is to the Crown, the country, its flag, traditions, culture, Queen and Empire…… well when we used to have an empire that is. It is known country-wide for its high academic achievements so to be told by a visiting Government Education person that the school lacked diversity to Miss Sefton was like waving a red flag at a bull.

Tamzin told us she overheard Miss Sefton the Headmistress who appeared visibly upset telling Miss Pringle that a visiting Government education person had pointed out that the school despite its high academic achievements appeared to be ‘struggling’ with “diversity”.

She had never seen Miss Sefton so furious in her life. Raising her voice she angrily shouted to this Government Education woman “Struggling with Diversity? Struggling with Diversity? Good heavens woman we have girls here from most of the counties of the United Kingdom.

We have Bridgette Campbell whose family can be traced back to William the Conqueror, Elspeth Macdonald who can trace her family’s descent from the Norse-Gaelic Clan Donald of the 13th century. Tamzin Lacy, daughter of a Northern Ireland Minister, there is Candice and Phaedra from Northumberland and Bedfordshire respectively we even have a girl from Essex Dakota Pugsley, incidentally her father made his fortune investing in scrap lead. 

Then there is Sarah and Grace, Lady and Lord Simon De Rochefort’s twins from Buckinghamshire, Rhonda whose parents are Land Owners from Gloucestershire, Blodwyn and Myfanwy two Welsh girls from Brecknockshire and Rebecca Tate from Caernarvonshire whose father Sir Roland Tate is the British ambassador to Wallis and Fortuna Island.

“DIVERSITY” repeated Miss. Sefton under her breath “for heaven’s sake what the hell is this silly Government person talking about?”

Tamzin said she was absolutely astounded by Miss Sefton’s language, she said she had never heard Miss. Sefton use words like ‘Hell’ before. I can assure our gentle readers Miss Sefton told this Government person a thing or two in no uncertain terms and sent her packing with a flea in her ear.

But not before she pointed out that this year the school had already received applications for new enrolments for the New Year which included one girl from the Island of Skye, one from Eire and sisters from the Isle of Man and believe it or not even one girl from the Isle of Wight.

Just how diverse does this Government woman like the college to be for God’s sake?

Miss. Sefton lowered her voice and reluctantly confided to Miss. Pringle “Alice I may be wrong and I pray to God I am, but I shudder to even begin to contemplate what this Government woman may have been hinting but if it is what I think she might have been hinting she needs to understand there has not been one riot or fist fight in this school since its inception.

Not once since it was first given its charter by King George the second in the 17th century has there been any Police on duty around the classrooms or playgrounds, no knifings being recorded by Mobile Phones, the use of drugs, beatings or bare knuckle fights in my playgrounds among my girls on my watch thank you very much” adding “you can rest assured THAT is the way it is, THAT is the way it will remain, That is the end of the matter” So it was.

That sounded pretty final to us girls too. Miss Sefton pointed out ‘Diversity’ had been a rigid cornerstone of the college principles for over 400 years as shown by the above examples. The travelling Government Education woman realised she was going nowhere with the debate with her bizarre interpretation of Diversity so decided to take the conversation in another direction.

She pointed out the violation of the Education departments’ view of blatant sexual discrimination after noting the flagrant use of Gender Specific names on the toilet doors which could cause anxiety, distress and hardship to those girls that might have a history of suffering from Gender Dysphoria or Gender Identity Disorder but more alarmingly could contravene their Human Rights. Miss. Sefton assured her there was no history of “that sort of thing” at Denham Hall, thank you very much.

The Government Education lady after being taken well out of earshot of the girls was reminded by Miss. Pringle that whatever the government views were on modern day Biology or personal relationships in this college Denham Hall, they did NOT encourage discussion on the unusual sexual exploits or stories about Bill and Ben, or ‘Sailor Jacks strong relationship with the lighthouse Keeper’ which was the Government Education Departments suggested reading for 8 year olds in the Sex Education Syllabus”

Miss. Pringle said stories about Bill and Ben were all very well in their place but it is important for the Girls to learn Great Britain’s history and its place in the world, to also understand the reasons for the fall of Rome and its frightening similarity to that of Great Britain’s loss of Empire and prestige, its reduced status in the world and its subsequent loss of sovereignty but most importantly to understand the reason for its loss of direction and its slow descent into a festering quagmire of a disgusting morass of immorality. She said she preferred her Girls to read the classics rather than to discuss the unusual nocturnal comings and goings that Bill and his chum Ben might get up to.

Even Miss Frenzi the Sports teacher bought into this discussion by saying that the NEW AGE teaching dictates that no-one loses but everyone wins a prize is self-defeating it would mean Rebecca Tate did not win the 100 yards Breastroke event last year in the swimming carnival against the Government School Pixie Hill Camp but shared it with the other seven contestants and likewise with ‘pass the parcel’ everyone wins a prize, it is silliness to the extreme. She said regardless of a Governments decree that Backstroke be banned in all swimming pools, that decree will be ignored in the college pool as the likelihood of another swimmer being killed or maimed was minimal.

It did not end there I am afraid. The news spread like wildfire that Miss. Franklin the Music teacher or Lu Lu on being told about the children’s story of this ’Strong Relationship’ between the Lighthouse Keeper and another gentleman named Sailor Jack was allowed to go home after going quite pale and complaining of feeling a little queasy and the same with Nurse Mayo who after experiencing the tremor’s was allowed to lie down in the Schools infirmary.

Phaedra, who appeared quite flushed after overhearing Miss. Pringle's tirade on her views of the Governments suggested reading for 8 year olds said she did not want to experience another day like that one.

Miss. Sefton told Miss. Pringle she was convinced Denham Hall was “an island of sanity in a sea of madness”. Tamzin went one better, she said Denham Hall was “an Island of serenity in a sea of silliness”.

Now everyone is making up these comparisons like it’s a competition. Do you want to hear mine?

Friday, 12 May 2017

Rickmansworth Young ladies College Concert and Dance

Tamzin Lacy at Full Stretch.

Rickmansworth Young Ladies College Concert and Dance.

It was the end of year Concert and Dance at Denham Hall or the Rickmansworth Young Ladies College as it is known today, an Anglican college. You might inquire being a girl’s college from where did we field the boys from for this occasion. Good question, they were boys invited from the opposition, the sixth form of the St. Joan of Arc Catholic School. No sneakers, no hats on back to front and no visible tattoos, but suits, combed hair and smelling nice were the order of the day.

The venue was the Concert Hall at Denham Hall a place of learning for genteel young English ladies from well to do Christian families it was not to be a night of Dirty Dancing with the participant’s smelling like Badgers, gyrating up and down like demented Racoons at the local mobile Disco in the pub in the High Street, Rickmansworth.

Tonight was to be a night to be remembered with the chance of creating new friendships maybe romance, a night of Waltzes, Fox Trots and Quick Steps culminating with Highland dancing.

There was a short welcoming speech by our Headmistress Miss. Sefton followed by a brief reply by the head of the St. Joan of Arc Catholic School….. I have forgotten her name.

The show commenced with Candice Forsythe performing her card tricks; inviting volunteers from the audience to ‘pick a card’. Sporting a moustache made with a felt pen liberally applied by the make-up artist Miss. Franklin our Music teacher or Lu Lu as she was affectionately known, wearing a Fez and her brother’s suit proceeded with her act.

Just to set the record straight it was it was NOT Miss Franklin that was wearing a Fez and her brother’s suit doing card tricks but Candice. All in all it was a professional performance, well more or less.

This was followed by Elspeth MacDonald playing the Bagpipes which apart from the odd squeak “which had every mouse in the vicinity on edge” not my words but Rhonda’s, was also a very admirable performance. 

I had grave doubts about Sarah though, she should not have been allowed in the show as she had only been introduced to the Indian Clubs a week earlier, she was far too confident. I was not disappointed. The less said about her performance the better. Her act reminded me of the sound of skittles being knocked down in a bowling alley.

This was the part I was dreading. It was the turn of Tamsin, gymnast extraordinaire. I was about to say Tamsin cut a fine figure with a slim body much like that of a stick insect; but on second thoughts and without being catty I thought she had put on a bit of weight.

Tamsin had alerted us prior to the show she was “going for the big Four”. I suppose I have to explain what the “Big Four” was. Tamsin was well aware the stage was just about the required width to finish her act with a flourish after performing a triple reverse somersault. The ‘BIG FOUR’ was an attempt at 4 consecutive reverse somersaults not a triple. What was worrying was this had never been attempted before, well not by Tamsin…..or anyone else for that matter.

This was typical of Tamsin she had not thought this one through or rehearsed it. I suspect it was the rapturous applause she was expecting to receive after completing her performance, coming to a perfect standstill, no teetering and throwing her arms in the air that was the drug that had her fired up. I saw it rather differently as a blurred vision of Tamsin being catapulted off upstage left like a Jet leaving an aircraft Carrier.

To this point it was a perfect performance. I was so pleased for Tamsin but it was the moment of truth. It was the vision I wrote about earlier of seeing Tamsin, upside down caught in a freeze frame as a blurred flash of crimson of her leotards, pausing before exiting stage left half way to completing the fourth somersault. The triple reverse somersault completed she had run out of stage for the fourth and final reverse somersault.

It was only the pianist sitting off-stage that broke Tamsin’s fall that prevented any serious injury…… Tamsin that is.

Fortunately Nurse Mayo the duty nurse had a first aid kit handy with tweezers and everything with a box of Elastoplast, bandages and some purple stuff in a bottle to repair Tamsin’s minor flesh wound also Elastoplast for the Pianist’s facial abrasions. Tamsin gave herself quite fright; I thought she was going to sick-up all over Nurse Mayo.

I feel the less said about Tamsin’s gymnastic presentation the better. No, to be fair perhaps her performance rated seven out of ten. The evening’s entertainment of the schools talent finished with a rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus by the school choir.

It was the yearly dance that followed that was the main event of the evening. Wearing a bandage on her arm Tamsin who was wearing a spare Clan Tartan of mine was paired up in the Gay Gordons with gormless looking Pat O'Reilly, serves her right. However it was a clever out of formation manoeuvre during the Eightsome Reel that she was able to skilfully exchange him for another girl’s partner. I never ceased to be amazed at Tamsin’s tenacity.

Phaedra was paired with a hot looking boy named Grant…. er something or other and in the Military two-step I was corralled by the only height challenged student from St Joan of Arc Catholic School before I could grab hold of Grant. Life is so unfair. Personally I am really not all that fussed about these end-of-year dances.

It was lovely to see Miss. Pringle dancing with Mr. Crisis the science teacher during the Ceilidh. What did intrigue me was why Mr. Crisis was wearing a Scottish Tartan when he was presently on sabbatical leave from his Home planet in the Proxima Centuri system. I certainly did not recognize his clan colours; he must have hired them from TartansЯus in the high street.

Before I leave if anybody would like a photo of Tamsin at full stretch taken during her performance I am sure there are some copies still available in the front office……..somewhere.

Friday, 5 May 2017

The Rickmansworth Chalice

Invarary Castle
The Rickmansworth Chalice.

Mr Crisis our Science teacher explained myths and mystics still flourish on this planet. They were germinated in earlier times of yore and spawned in the quagmires of superstition and fear and are still being kept alive today by ignorance and…. yes superstition. I am from an intelligence that can exist as pure cosmic energy, a singular consciousness, a one-ness or if I wish I can be of substance.

Bridgette, you and Tamzsin and your people are not even on the first rung of the ladder of evolution, myths and mystics, thieves and scoundrels still guide you and you still listen to them.

I was explaining to Mr. Crisis the legend of the mythical Rickmansworth Chalice. The legend had been documented in the history books down through the ages. It was said the gold and jewel encrusted Chalice was used at the marriage of Prince Rolf and his consort Princess Elspeth at Rickmansworth Castle in times when knights and the people pledged their total allegiance to their King.

In those days superstition was rife and it was believed the Chalice held magical properties which promised two options, eternal existence or alternatively on death to sit at the right hand of God. Mr Crisis added by all means believe in the Golden Chalice but not in its magic.

Father had invited Mr Crisis to our home at Inveraray Castle in Scotland. Tamsin currently my very best friend was also staying for the weekend. Mr Crisis was very keen to meet father.

It was the start of the summer break when we arrived at Inveraray. I took Mr Crisis straight to the library to meet my parents.

Lord Campbell extending his hand said “Good afternoon Mr. Crisis, I have heard a lot about you from Bridgette. I would like you to meet my wife Lady Campbell, Delilah. Mr Crisis bowed slightly offered Lady Campbell his hand.

Lord Campbell with a smile continued “My daughter tells me you ‘knocked up a device’ her words I stress not mine, in the science lab and accidentally took yourself and a student named Rhonda off to Proximus Centuri or was it Epsilon Bootis either way I thought this is a man I really must meet. I know my daughter has quite a fertile imagination so I will not bother you with closer questioning.”

“I agree Lord Campbell but dreamers and humans with fertile imaginations have led to some incredible discoveries and innovations in the past and if we were to touch on the discoveries of these dreamers we can be here all day…and all night”

‘Mr Crisis my ancestors were not dreamers but defenders. It was an ancestor of mine that led an army that fought for Robert the Bruce during the wars of Scottish independence against the English and it was at the battle of Bannockburn in 1314 that he was wounded. The wound was not life threatening but he was unable to carry a sword or a lance.”

“Robert the Bruce bestowed large areas of land taken from the Lords of Lorne and conferred considerable wealth on him. It was later in the 18th century that Inveraray Castle was built”.

“It is a most magnificent home you have Lord Campbell”

“Thank you Mr Crisis but I think we can dispense with the formalities don’t you, you may call me David”

“Alright David you can call me Mr Crisis” I will be honest with you Crisis is not my real name and where I come from we do not have two names one is quite sufficient and there is no equivalent of a ‘Christian’ name.

Lord Campbell chose to ignore Mr Crisis comment and said “Right Bridgette you and Tamzin can take Mr Crisis to the front entrance to meet the tour bus and join the 2 pm castle tour”.

It was a beautiful balmy sunny day as we walked to the main Gate. Passing one of the Groomsmen I inquired of Mr Crisis did he ride?”

Mr Crisis replied “Ride what?”

There was no need to answer that question as Tamzin called out that the tour bus had just arrived. The bus disgorged its travellers many from the Asian Continent. Mr Crisis, Tamsin and I followed the lady with the flag leading the group of tourists. Thus began Mr Crisis tour of Invarary Castle. After a coffee break in the castle shop we showed Mr Crisis the stables.

Mr Crisis and Father really enjoyed their talk over drinks in the study. If Mr Crisis said it was so, it was so Father realised early on Mr Crisis was not of this planet.

After two weeks in Scotland we returned to College and the following day  Mr Crisis drove Tamzin and I to the Roman ruins at Chenies. 

Whilst Mr. Crisis studied the legend on the green board of the layout of the Roman Fort I told Mr Crisis about the mysterious plate which was recently unearthed here inscribed with Ancient Chinese symbols suspected of being from the 14 century Ming Dynasty, but after being sent to the Tate gallery people in London was found to be one of about 15 million or so plates manufactured in Shenzhen, China for the European market as a baking dish and heavily advertised on EBay.

Mr Crisis said “Girls let me wander about the ruins for a while you two look for bird’s nests or something.”

We did not find any birds nests or something and I suspect Mr Crisis just wanted to get rid of us while he wandered alone around the site. A quarter of an hour later he called us over. He pointed out “there are three large trees on the far side of the ruins I suggest you take a close look at the base of the middle tree” Mr Crisis sat on a low wall of the ruins and Tamsin and I headed for the tree.

There was a hole that looked like a rabbit-hole at the base of the tree and after looking around for a stick suitable for foraging Tamzin started poking and prodding at the dead vegetation around the hole. It was such heavy going we had to remove some of the dead leaves and dirt by hand.

Tamzin had her arm completely in the hole when she excitedly shouted “There is something here I can feel it” I warned her to be careful that it was not something that might bite her. She pulled her arm out of the hole holding a bundle that looked like potato sacking.

“Well, open it up” ordered Mr Crisis. We lay the bundle on the ground and slowly opened up the rough sacking. Tamzin screamed out “I think it’s the Gold Chalice.” It took a moment to realise what we had found. “It is! It is! It is the Rickmansworth Chalice I am sure it is. Mr Crisis what do you think?”

“Yes Tamzin I have no doubt it is the lost Rickmansworth Golden Chalice maybe it was meant to be found one day who knows?”

I suspect Mr Crisis; his credentials such as they were it did not really surprise us when he told us where to search. He talks of a singular consciousness, of pure energy and other dimensions as I and Tamzin might discuss at length about who un-friended us on Facebook and why.

The discovery of the Rickmansworth Chalice was going to be the lead story on the National News.

The breathy news reporter on cue speaking to the camera said “On this site this afternoon a discovery as important to our countries history and particularly to the Town of Rickmansworth as were the Dead Sea scrolls to the Holy Land were found hidden beneath an Oak tree at the site of the Roman Ruins at Sparrows Nest behind the Red Lion Pub at Chenies. It will go down in history that the discovery was made by two students from the Rickmansworth Young Ladies College, Tamzin Lacy and Brigitte Campbell. Legend has it Prince Rolf and Princess Elspeth once drank from this Gold and Jewel encrusted Chalice.”

Mr. Crisis leant close and whispered “girls the glory is all yours”. I turned and whispered to Tamsin “when we get back to college and tell Miss Pringle she will be beside herself.”

The Red Lion. Chenies.