Friday, 29 March 2013

The Gay Homosexual.

Happy days are here Again.
‘Or the Gay Homosexual.

“Father, I have a confession to make, I have become very fond of Roger and want to marry him’’

In this Twenty First century where anything goes father is most unlikely to reply ‘’well son if you mean what I think you mean then I find your behaviour quite unacceptable, you appear to have acquired the morals of a Tom Cat. I and your mother have brought you up to be a God-fearing Anglican with a balanced head on your shoulders, you disappoint us”

“We sent you to a good school and we urge you, no we implore you to rethink this whole silly idea bearing in mind young Elspeth is going to be shattered to receive this news, her mother told us she is already looking at rings and wedding dresses. You also have our reputation to upkeep. You are the village Scout leader, Church organist and Choir leader, how on earth would we be able to face Elspeth’s parents again? Just because this pianist Elvis John person who prefers to sleep around with strange men does not give you the where-with-all to do the same”

Times have indeed changed. In today’s permissible New World Father might instead inquire of his son if this Roger person has secure employment what his future prospects are, have rings been purchased and have they set a date for their nuptials. It is not yet mandatory that one partner is required by tradition to wear a white suit.

I do not think any questions will be asked regarding starting a family- well certainly not initially. Furthermore father will not give a flying fig to discover this Roger person is in fact a Romanian Big Issue seller. Roger might even score a few extra points after revealing he was holding a much sought after Big Issue seller site in the high street next to the Pound Shop or was it Waitrose?

Alternatively if it was your daughter bearing similar disturbing news then it is something that Mother will have to face. She will no doubt remind her wayward daughter that “Just because this Ellen Degenerate woman decides to take a wife does not signify you have to follow in her footsteps. Frankly I do not think you have thought this one through young lady; for instance who do you expect is going to fertilize your eggs?”

A tricky question indeed and not an answer I would be sourcing although modern mothers are resourceful, very forward thinking, practical people and all bases have to be covered.

Yes the world is rapidly changing and it is parents like us that are nakedly exposed at the front line. With the technological advancements being made at a frightening pace our sons now possess in their hands the awesome ability to send pictures of their genitalia, flaccid or otherwise to a female acquaintance in true colour reproduction at a resolution of 14 Megapixels-or more.

 Or vicky verky a female woman of the opposite species can likewise send similar exquisite pictures on her mobile phone of her privates at a frequency of 2.5 Gigs by return, which by its very default are inaccessible to scallywags, vagabonds, thieves, scoundrels, rascals and opportunists as they are transmitted at the speed of light!

I am not intimating for one moment the boy I speak of would mindlessly send tasteless pictures of his private parts to young Elspeth if only for the fact her father holds down a very senior position at the local police station.

Nevertheless If I had the temerity to be able to utilise this technology, which incidentally was not available to me when I was courting my wife 40 odd years ago and her mother Doris were to have intercepted these dreadful images I have no doubt she would have fainted on the spot causing her husband to immediately apply the vapours and our little liaison would have come to an abrupt end with a parting warning by her mother with her hands cupped around her mouth like a megaphone bellowing as I retreated rapidly down the drive in disgrace, ‘’and- you- are- not- welcome- back, do you hear?’’

I wish that were all but we have not even scratched the surface. Imagine if you will young seven year old Imogen searching for information on the internet for her primary school assignment on the subject on Fairies. 

 One ill-fated thoughtless click on her Pee Cee directs her to some revolting movies and disgusting, wretched images when she unwittingly and without due care and scant attention lands on a porn site hosted by a famous Russian porn star hiding behind the non- de-plume of ‘Miss Fairy lights’, depicting frightening images that would even shock her father to the core, a man not easily affronted having spent many years as a Stoker in the Royal Merchant Marine in foreign climes

I might be accused of being a prude but as I commented to my wife who hurriedly concurred, I am glad we had our children in more innocent times.

As an aside, even at my age being on the wrong side of three score years and a bit I am still on a learning curve. After a number of years being intensely coached by my wife I now can spot a breast enhancement on our Digital Non-3D 55 inch Television of the Lady News presenter, Weather Girl or Female Front-Person at a distance of least 20 feet from my TV screen----without my glasses. So the money spent on my cataract removal was well spent and did not go astray

You just do not want to know how much my hearing aids cost; I have in the past paid less for cars fully taxed and with an M.O.T…………….….and tyres.