Saturday, 6 September 2014

Europia. Ministry of Plenty Edict V109

Europia. Ministry of Plenty Edict V109

The unelected spokespeople in Der Rathaus in Brussels have decreed that as from Monday Sept 1st 2014 the manufacture and import of any models of Vacuum Cleaner above the threshold of 1600 watts will be banned as part of the European Commission’s Ecodesign plans to meet targets on energy efficiency.

The circular sent from EU Departments involved in the saving of planet Earth stated categorically that high powered vacuums should not be discussed jointly with the European Union reps private 6 cyl 4 wheel drive vehicles and the fleet of EU Commissions 8 cyl limo’s sitting in the car park or even the air conditioning running 24 hours a day in the Commissions offices.

I would have thought it would have been more prudent to gently ease the smelly peasants into using power saving devices starting off with curbing the use of high powered electric toothbrushes or perhaps limiting the use of electric blankets to one per family. A high ranking and very highly paid unelected representative of the EU stated pompously we have to start somewhere and WE thought Vacs was a good as place as any.

Several shops have sold out of their more powerful machines after householders were told to “act quickly” with the ban looming. Maybe the authorities have anticipated people who own these high powered vacs will use them at illegal drag racing meetings.

I foresee a compulsory buyback of the high powered Vacs in the future; meanwhile they will be secreted alongside enemies of the people’s illegal pump action shot guns and catapults in secure hiding places. It is obvious this needless edict will force technically inclined people to buy the lower rating vacuum cleaners then install ride-on mower engines and crash gear boxes in them. Doesn’t take an Einstein you know!

Some highly paid Clerk on the thirty fifth floor of the Democratic Peoples Presidium in Brussels has not thought this one through. Firstly there are NOT a lot of people in Liberia and Nigeria or in fact most of Africa, Bhutan and Islands in the Indian Ocean pushing high powered vacs around so that has written off a third of the world’s population for starters and I haven’t even started on China or India.

If you were to google ‘Flightradar’ you will see every plane in the sky, even queuing up to take off, oh apart from the unfortunate Malaysian Airlines MH 370 that is, and there are thousands of them in the air at any one time. I was led to believe it is the exhaust gases from these airliners in the high atmosphere that are causing the greatest damage to our planet, but hell, let us sort out vacs first.

Marlene Holzer, energy spokesman for the European Commission, said wattage does not directly indicate a vacuum’s performance. She added that a product’s efficiency in turning electrical power into dust collection would be measured under the new rules. I assume from that remark she was not at the meeting when wattage sizes of vac motors was being discussed. Maybe it was a chance remark made by her husband at the breakfast table that jogged her memory, who knows?

So if wattage does not directly indicate a vacs performance why not install a 2 litre, Super-charged Ford Escort engine. The thinking here is if each person who is using a lower wattage vac believes it will increase the planets life by 2 days before we are all gasping for breath for lack of life-giving oxygen, dusty carpets are going to be the least of our worries, so why bother.

A spokesperson said “A Best Buy 2,200-watt vacuum costs around £27 a year to run in electricity – only around £8 more than the best-scoring 1,600-watt we’ve tested.” So I surmise after 20 years of energy savings using eco-friendly vacs the health of Planet Earth will immediately be blown when this spokesperson I speak of takes a gruelling long haul first class flight from Brussels to London.

A study ordered by the European Commission has identified up to 30 electrical appliances including lawn mowers, smart phones and kettles that could be covered by the EU’s Ecodesign directive outlawing high-wattage devices. The wife is getting twitchy about her electric photo frame on the sideboard. As an aside perhaps the design of Heart Pacemakers may also have to be reworked.…………………………. Beam me up Spotty!

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