Sunday, 24 May 2015

Eire's Jubilation


Eire’s Jubilation.
on the Slippery Slope
or Perhaps the thin Edge of the Wedge 

I said to the young girl in the newsagent “I have just arrived from the far side of Ursa Minor and I would like to purchase a bottle of ink please”. As an afterthought I said with mock humour “while you are at it perhaps you can toss in a couple of quills”

She was a bright girl and immediately realised I was joking about the quills. The ink was a different matter though. She led took me to a tray of Biros. Surprised I said “No! No! No!  I want the ink outside of the pen, like separately in a bottle”

I leaned close , Her perfume was heady; I suspect it was Columbian Poppy. whispered confidentially “before Biros were invented as a lad we used to have inkwells in school and we used to dip things called nibs in them, adding “we also used to impregnate a rolled up piece of paper in the ink and then utilising an elastic band we would flick an inked missile at the neck of the boy a few rows in front” 

She looked at me wide eyed and puzzled no doubt thinking perhaps I do come from Ursa Minor.

Well the quills were just a jest, but as regards the bottle of ink she suggested a visit to a Multi-Global Corporation or do I mean monopoly that put all the small suppliers of office equipment out of business.

She appeared on the surface to be a clever girl, not unattractive, short skirt, slightly dumpy, about 4 foot something, dark eyes with glasses. The good news she was no more than 40 years younger than me, I would have liked to have asked her out but my wife would have had something to say about that as she did about on-line dating....so I didn’t. Hang on I will get to the point in a minute.

In one person’s lifetime I am having trouble buying ink, but it is not that that troubles me so much.

So at what point are we with human evolution? Through human endeavour and ingenuity we have sent probes to Pluto
, men have walked on the moon and at the moment NASA are rounding up about a dozen or so people to take a one way trip to Mars all expenses paid. 

But back on earth the long wait is over for Mr and Mrs O’Leary, they were always nervous about their son Eugene and his strange relationship with Francis but the result of the Irish vote means that finally Eugene and Francis can now plan their ‘Marriage’ with the full backing of the establishment and the law.

They both emerged from the closet or lavatory quite a while ago and can now start on the long journey of joyful marital bliss. However there is a minor problem that was pointed out by Mrs. O’Leary and quite rightly so that same sex homosexual married couples cannot produce babies, so in theory they should in time all die out……the same sex couples not the babies.

There were always going to be questions asked by bigoted, homophobic people opposed to same sex relationships, for instance who on their wedding night gets to do what to whom and how. At dances who gets to dance backwards and when introducing your friend what determines who gets to be introduced as the wife or husband and 
being introduced to Royalty who gets to curtsy and who gets to bow, it all has to be thrashed out.

Personally I believe it is the result of something being added to the water. It does not concern me unless Homosexuality is made compulsory. 

With Eugene and Francis the subject of children has not been broached. The chances of Mr and Mrs O’ Leary becoming proud grandparents are looking slim……… extremely slim unless Mrs Flannery the next door neighbour who voted YES agreed to become a surrogate mother, a problem although not insurmountable at age 74 could cause problems. Again with full equality in mind, which of the married male couple will be game enough to attempt to impregnate Mrs Flannery?

Without wanting to appear flippant Homosexuality is not what it’s all cracked up to be, there are distinct disadvantages. However if one does feel the urge to engage in unnatural animal-like sexual practises with one’s own gender then one should seriously consider bisexuality as it immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

If the question is asked on a trivia night at your local pub, the answer is the republic of Eire was not the first country to break the stifling shackles of Heterosexuality but was the first to do so by referendum. I must admit by the overwhelmingly result of a yes vote and the overwhelmingly positive result on Homosexual couples being allowed to adopt children I was given to doubt whether more people in Eire 
were in a Homosexual relationship than a heterosexual relationship. Two words immediately crossed my mind, Frankfurt and Protocols.

An interesting point here, if a heterosexual couple (married or de facto) on retirement receive a lesser old age pension (because they are living as a couple), will this now apply to a ‘married’ homosexual couple, as opposed to receiving two single pensions.

What is the next logical step for the future I hear you say? Well in 2006 a Sudanese man was caught engaging in a ‘sexual activity’ with a Goat although I prefer not to beat about the bush and dispense with Orwell-like correct-speak and say it like it is, ‘FORNICATING’ with said animal and was forced by a judge to “marry” the goat after “deflowering” her…..after WHAT? The goat apparently acquired the name "Rose" during the elders' deliberations. Dowries incidentally were exchanged. 

You can read the full unexpurgated story here http://tinyurl.com/5gor6f. Another man was arrested for also engaging in ‘sexual activity’ with his neighbours Bull Mastiff.

The good lord in his infinite wisdom endowed males and females with distinct but separate, unique and exacting sexual specifications as regards the layout of their private parts and I might add for a very specific purpose, and is not quite the same purpose  as Irish Rainbow couples’ practice with their private parts.

Hopefully Islamic State by the 22nd century will not have swept across the whole of Europe and put to death all the Rainbow people, including those married Irish Homosexual couples who fought for the right to legally fornicate with each other, the Idolaters, Christians, Cartoonists well anyone who does not worship a man who took a 6 year old as his wife. I was heartened to read it was not an uncommon practise in those days as girls matured much earlier. Fair enough I suppose, but for Christ’s sake…SIX?...... FAIR GO!

This world is going mad; Ursa Minor is looking very attractive.