Tuesday, 27 December 2016

Tension in my Lady's Chambers.

Tension In my lady's chambers.

Your mail Ma'am.

Oh for Christ sake not another bloody youth centre to open. That’s three this month, Beecham what the friggin hell’s going on here?

Can’t you get Charles to open it Ma'am ?

Christ no he’s bloody useless, he has formed a close attachment with the oak tree in the village; we don’t see much of him these days, come to think of it nor does his wife, whatsername.

Can we get Charles’s wife..., thingy to open it?

No she would frighten the kids and the horses. Look I’ve had it up the here, they can stick it up their Jacky. Christ Beecham, 161 Mosques in Birmingham and about 245 table tennis clubs in Tower Hamlets we are losing all sense of proportion here.

 I don’t know what to suggest ma'am. What about telling them you are having your appendix out.

FFS man you are my advisor how stupid is that, everyone knows I’ve already had my appendix out.

Well Ma'am for a little levity just tell them they are going to put them back in again.

Frankly Ì don’t find that remotely effing funny Beecham I have got no time to frig around with this, I‘ve got a Trooping of the Guard this weekend, attend a consecration of a cathedral somewhere and two EU treaties to sign, I have no time to have to worry about opening yet another bloody table tennis club in Peckham. Frankly my family disappoint me as well. Christ look what I got for my 90th birthday an embroidered tea towel with my name on it and  a set of Windsor Castle place mats from Philip and a pair of joggers from Charles FFS.

True Ma'am but it is got to be an improvement on last year when Philip bought you a tool for punching holes in leather belts…………….. Hang on, the Duke of Cambridge is free Ma'am….I think.

FREE! FREE!? He’s not effing free; he’s bloody married for F.ucks sake.

 There are not are lot of other royals of substance left.Ma'am 

Oh Shit!......... What’s the name of this woman he’s married to?

The Duchess of Cambridge,

That’s not a friggin name that’s an effing title, what’s her name for crying out loud?


Kate what?


Never heard of her, Does she know much about table tennis?

She does plays tennis ma'am.

Close enough.

Shall I contact the stables that you might require a horse milady?

I am not riding to Peckham on a friggin 'orse you bloody fool, order a State Carriage with all the flunkeys, the whole box and dice, flags and everything.

(Is nothing sacred?)

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