Sunday, 27 July 2014

The Reluctant Racist.


I Have No Control Over This Unexplained Affinity to be With My Own Tribe.

It was only this morning on awakening that I discovered to my horror I was a closet racist. I almost freaked out (My parents used to say I would never amount to anything, this proved them wrong) 

Before the 'awakening' the idea of becoming a Racist was totally alien to me. At the time I was a non-practising Presbyterian……. on my mother's side.

My next door neighbour a Mr Kuczynski was a Polish paratrooper, a Narnsey sympathiser who got left behind after the war. I know for a fact he was and still IS an accredited Type 2 Racist, I sometimes get the impression he is quite proud of his political leanings. He once showed me Hitler’s autograph.

The story goes he was dropped by mistake from a German Dornier over Stuttgart instead of Raleigh, Essex. On his second mission he was dropped on East Putney and was immediately captured.

The order to jump I feel was somewhat premature, a combination of high spirits among the men not taking the mission seriously; the spirits being Vodka made with fermented potatoes, Ethanol and aged for a month, with a 92% ALC, and inattention to basic navigation.  Heavy cloud at the time was also to blame.

Dr Patel my GP confided in me he too was an evil racist although at the moment he is not a practicing Racist, you see he was struck off, not sure why. His wife left him you know; it is a sore subject, he would rather not talk about it, come to think of it neither does his wife. He has to wear a tracking device around his ankle, I don't know why.

I cannot vouch for Mr Adolph Fitler who lives up the road in the big house “Der Eagles Nest” it is all Turrets and Gargoyles and things, he is the long-time Secretary of Les Racistes-Sans-Frontiers. His wife Frau Ingrid Fitler is Chairwomen of the local chapter of the “Friends of the Sudetenland” and a well-known Philanthropist and benefactor of a small wretched diaspora of destitute exiled Germans living in the area.

Frau Fitler told my mother that her daughter Giselle had embraced this elusive thing called vibrant diversity to both of her bosoms and by feminine seduction and wile had enticed an Indian face-book follower, on further inquiries I discovered he was not from Delhi at all but from a Red Indian reservation in Idaho.

I know the Fitler’s younger daughter Helga very well; she wears long plaits and is more into Germanic style Folk dancing. In fact to prove Helga's non-racist credentials she has been actively searching dating sites on the internet for ages and ages looking for a Black Chinaman but to no avail. 

Yes this sickening racist tag is sometimes carelessly thrown around without due care and scant consideration which upsets the eggshell-thin fragile sensitivities of apprehensive Racist people like myself who would love to "come out" but are afraid of the unjust cruel barbs of condemnation by a minority of high-minded moral bigots…or is that a large majority of small minded immoral dwarfs,……… doesn’t matter.

PS. Thus as a closet racist I am not sure IF or WHEN I will be "coming out" .........if you get my meaning. I will let you all know in due course.