Sunday, 30 September 2012

Belgium, Our Galaxy or Beyond?

Belgium, Our Galaxy or Beyond?
Sorry couldn't find a map of Belgium.
As the wire services ran red hot with the news that a Mr Rumpey of Belgium had been appointed the first unelected President of Europe the question on everyone's lips was where's Belgium? and quite rightly so.

Without wanting to appear flippant, I was reminded of a TV quiz show where a young blond lady was asked “what is the capital of Hungary” she replied “that’s a trick question I have never heard of Hungry, I have heard of Turkey”

I cannot verify this story other than to say that there was a rumour circulating that this unelected, iffy appointment was just as much a surprise to Mr. Bliar as it was to The Prince of Darkness but the truth is that it was the result of gentlemanly debt that had to be honoured due to a winning hand in a game of poker. This event took place during a blurry, booze ridden card game in the late evening of a G8 meeting a while ago. I really do not know if this win was achieved by a throw of the dice or the turn of the cards. But debts are debts and must be repaid.

In due course Mr Rumpey will be sending a letter of appreciation to the other participants who took part in that card game and assure them of his appreciation when the next round of unelected senior ministerial appointments are made.

Now Brussels is officially the seat of the European Union and for those of you who are a little weak on history I am sure you will find this short précis of Belgium history quite interesting.

Africa was carved up by the French, British and the Germans and it appeared no-one wanted the Congo so history recounts Prince Leotard III of Belgium saying, Quote “can we ‘ave it”?

Lets face it, Belgium never got over the slight of not being offered first choice of Indonesia when it first came on the market, instead she was blackballed and it was given to the Dutch. As a sweetener it was offered Easter Island but graciously declined. In fact Belgium never came into existence until 1830 even now it is partitioned with Dutch or Flemish speaking natives in one half and the French speaking baboons, sorry Walloons, Balloons? Doesn’t matter, in the other half.

Little was done with the Congo except giving Hollywood permission to film Sanders of the River on a crocodile infested, rancid Congo estuary and then doing a deal with RKO pictures for a sum rumored to be as much as $US452.50 to film some Tarzan movies on location there.

After not finding oil, or in fact not finding anything of value, it was given back to the Congolese who have been killing each other ever since including any Gorillas, women, children or anyone who have stupidly got in the way of a burst of an AK47.

Even today meat termed ‘Bush Meat’ which are mainly delicacies like Gorillas heads and assorted internal organs grace many of the smarter dinner tables of Congolese émigré’s residing in Tower Hamlets and parts of Peckham and its environs and across many parts of our fabulously enriched northern cities.

The other morning Brussels awoke up to find to their chagrin, whatever that means, that little Belgium now answers to Berlin. Using an analogy one could liken this dodgy arrangement as Germany being likened to a Rhodesian Ridgeback and Belgium a Pekinese. Anyone who knows me well would be aware I am not one to belittle, besmirch or generally take the p**s out of any country but not a lot has come out of Belgium except lovely milky chocolates and Sprouts; their beer is quite drinkable too. Abba’s not from Belgium are they?

I now have to decide whether to write up this short history of Belgium on Wikipedia. During the Obama election or was it farce, which many of you may well have forgotten within a day or two, an American was asked what countries border America. He agonised over this for about 10 seconds then with raised eyebrows queried “Australia?”

I was pleased he was not asked where Belgium was or he may have been suggested it was in another part of our galaxy……….or beyond.