Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Final Grant application to British Arts Council

Final Grant application to British Arts Council

My Ref ….. Albion / 5A2/♫/UP/UK /♣ ♂
Dear Sir/Madam,

Firstly I would like to say we were again surprised and bitterly disappointed to receive your notification informing us of yet another rejection by your good selves of our recent application for a government grant to fund the staging of the musical “The Stephen Lawrence Story”.

 We are aware there are generous funds which are available and partly subsidized by the EU and allocated by our government, which are set aside to fund new talent such as myself who are entering the fields of art and theatre.

Unfortunately your rejection of my application for a grant to fund the The Stephen Lawrence Story, the Musical’ again shows your total lack of foresight, your backward thinking and blinkered attitude towards new writers and aficionados of the fine arts, literature, theatre and film such as myself.

As a result of your ongoing, narrow minded, parochial attitude you have directly deprived the British theatre going public of an opportunity to experience a rich musical feast showcasing and highlighting the social cohesion, chivalrous, pluralistic nature and the vibrant cultural life and gracious times we are all experiencing in a sophisticated contemporary England which many people take for granted, a sad indictment of today’s selfish, consumer society.

However, we humbly accept your respondents criticism quite rightly pointing out that although the basic concept was considered quite novel and unusual, your board decided the show may have had a limited appeal in many of our vast, sprawling northern black tribal homelands, a criticism that was duly taken on board in the spirit it was offered.

I would like to add, and here I do not wish to give the impression that it is a question of sour grapes on my part on receiving the notification of rejection of my application, as I am by nature a humble person and certainly not a person to harbour a grudge or to make wild accusations, but I strongly suspect that my application may have been blackballed by the board chairman Mr.Chowdrey and the board Director, Dr. Patel. 

So without further ado, we would now like to take this opportunity if we may, to again apply for a grant to offset the expenses involved in the making of a feature film on 70mm wide screen format, utilizing Dolby surround sound.

Here we venture into the unknown with an entirely new and original but experimental concept; a religiose, musical film documentary entitled The Beatification and Canonization of Saint Stephen Lawrence’ a powerful, fast moving and exotic extravaganza of monumental proportions.

You will be pleased to note that our little Film company has now been officially registered as a government multi cultural, multi racial, multi ethnic, multi tribal, multi faith, multi diverse, multi language, multi religious, multi ethos, multi social, multi aware in fact a multi bloody everything employer, and as such we are obliged by law to employ many dancers, actors and extras of colour.

By pure chance this was indeed a strange coincidence and a unforeseen bonus for us as I am sure you can appreciate our unenviable position that we found ourselves in finding it extraordinarily difficult and hideously expensive I might add sourcing and purchasing full size Gollywog outfits.

Again, if you find the title of this epic movie somewhat distasteful I am sure our artistic director would consider a name change to say, ‘Bombs across London’ or ‘ I lost my love at Holland Park Tube Station’ or even Kris Donald, you will always be in our memories, If it means a generous consideration to our application you will find we are very flexible with the film title.

On notification of the success of our application we will immediately reserve the services of two of Hollywood’s heavyweight film stars, the well known Academy award winners Trujillo Escudos and Maria Scari, stars of the recent Mexican blockbuster, ‘Wild Cactus’ a film which the board may or may not be aware, has already grossed well over ₤2,300 at the box office, and here I cannot stress too highly, a sum that only took three months takings at the UK cinema box offices alone!

We, like your good selves, warmly embrace to our bosoms the rich and colourful diversity we are fortunate enough to be blessed with within our gentle, well ordered English society today. Moreover I would like to bring to your attention that this film extravaganza will hopefully be seen by many people of colour thus we have instructed our choreographer to include at least twenty dance routines highlighting Negro rappin
g music’ and people of colour spinning on their heads.

We hope exciting scenes such as this will contribute greatly to the continuing rich kaleidoscope and colourful tapestry of contemporary England and English filmmaking. At the same time I would like to pay a special tribute to other famous playrights such as Gilbert and Sullivan and to pay homage to past film giants such as Gainsborough and J. Arthur Rank, who we would like to emulate. So in our own small way we hope to contribute to the furtherance of the English visual arts and culture.

Rest assured we most certainly will be presenting this film masterpiece at the Cannes Film festival and I am confident in due course it will be nominated for an Academy Award.

I do not wish to appear overly impulsive but I would appreciate a positive decision as soon as possible as our two leading stars have been offered a two week contract on the TV blockbuster ‘Celebrity Survivor’ and are penciled in later in the year for an interview with Oprah Winfrey.

I trust the board members in this instant will look favorably on my application. Thanking you in anticipation.

Your obedient servant, Albion.